To be quite frank with you I have no idea why i’m writing this post, January has been a shit show of shittiness both globally and personally. I will be writing personally here though, nothing political because fuck Tr*mp and fuck Brexit.
January was the month I completely and utterly realised I am in the wrong lane. Over Christmas I thought I had come to like my work and what I was doing, turned out I was just kidding myself and I can’t fucking stand it. Whilst I haven’t thrown in the towel just yet – probably through some misplaced hope of ‘IT HAS TO CLICK SOON’ – I have been looking at other jobs. Which brought me to my next revelation that – now I know I don’t want to be in academia – I have no fucking clue what job I actually want to do. Finance sounds great, I love working with numbers and so the whole quantitate finance or data analysis field(s) sound great. Unfortunately they always seen to want something different that I just don’t have, usually good a-levels (and I really don’t have them). So I guess we’ll have to see how that goes in February.
There have been some positives to this blue month though, beginning with my getting back into dancing. Granted I have only actually been to one dance session so far, the second I missed to attend the #ScotlandAgainstTrump march, but I went and I enjoyed and my foot wasn’t so painful that I thought never to return. Moreover, I found a blues club that are doing free lessons throughout February and so I will most definitely be attending them! Listening to swing music no-longer has the bittersweet tinge to it, now that I know I can be dancing again.
January was also the month I fell in love with a certain “heavy meadow” band ‘Sons of an Illustrious Father’. As previously stated music is something I use as an escapism, but more than that its something I use to connect with myself, to feel, to understand. When I listen to Swing music I feel like I’m being led through a dance, like my limbs are possessed and they just have to move and follow the lead of the instruments. When I listen to ‘Sons’ I feel like my heart is being enveloped, my brain just wants to stop and absorb and live in the sounds. I’ve never been in love with someone, but I know I’m sure as hell in love with three now.
I wanted to recommend my favourite ‘Sons’ song for you to listen to, but I just couldn’t pick one. So I narrowed it down to these. (You’ll notice one of them is indeed from Lilah Larson’s [1/3 of Sons] solo album, because it is also outstandingly beautiful);
Looking back over my new years resolutions for the year, I’m not actually doing that badly. Whilst I’ve not done any extra german practice I am still going along to classes and interacting. I have read one book, and am half way through a second, so well on track for my twelve book target. Cooking my own meals – other than just pasta – and being more healthy is something that I have improved on. Though room for much more work, I have been cooking more varied and healthier dinners and I have been going for nice walks through the city in the evenings.
Writing this post has made me reflect on a few of the good points of the month and I’m glad that I can look back and think of those things and see that I can always push on through the blue spells.
Over and out. X